I. Dear Grandfather,
When I killed a fish for the first time with you
at the edge of Swan Lake,
I felt like the hook went down my throat instead.
II. Dear Grandfather,
I did not want to hurt anyone,
so hearing you tell me that
the fish would “make it”
made me feel reborn.
III. Dear Grandfather,
I just dove into the deep end,
subsequently swallowing mouthfuls of water,
screaming, flailing,
remembering that my limitations
may very well defeat my ambitions.
I cannot swim well.
I somehow found myself hanging onto the shore.
I’m okay, says the man with stethoscope.
But I saw you in the water,
holding the fish that was supposed to make it.
I think I am dead.
IV. Dear Grandfather,
I see you playing a Rummy-like card game
in your Catskill house.
You only play for coins –
but also for kisses.
The mug that holds your orange juice
now sits in my father’s house.
The mug, painted with bright calligraphy,
tells the story of “a young boy”
and his transition into “an old fart.”
You watch politics on the television.
Democrats, I think, always debating.
I see you playing cards in the country cabin.
You have been buried for four years,
says our family.
But I hear you, the way you say
“Hey, Guy” in the morning time and
“Our home is your home” in the evening.
I don’t think you are dead.
V. Dear Grandfather,
I’ve never been to your grave.
I told my grandmother once
that you were like a demolished building,
that it was hard to remember you before the ruin,
before you became ill.
You left me at the worst time, Grandfather,
when I could not believe in your death
as much as I wanted to believe in teenage self-concern.
So I pushed our 15 years of shared memories
into a heart capsule,
knowing I would visit you later.
Heart capsules are made knowing
that they will one day be opened.
You have been nothing but a hidden memory
entombed within my chest cage for four years.
I have been waiting for the day that I could unveil
our playing cards and fishing trips from this vault.
I think I am ready.
Dear Poppy,
You seem less like a stranger now.
It has been long since I spoke to you.